When I was baptized as a little girl, my mom explained to me that all of our lives are like little caterpillars until Jesus comes and turns us into His butterflies. As I got older this analogy has become near and dear to my heart, and butterflies have become one of my very favorite things. This post is about butterflies, and hair, and Jesus, and me. Enjoy.
I’ve surrendered my battle with Trichotillomainia to God. My amazing hair stylist and I ordered some gorgeous hair extensions, braided up the hair I had left, and sewed in the extensions. It took her five hours from start to finish. As hair went on, chains broke loose. We weren’t just working with hair, we were going to battle with an incredibly strong Enemy. When everything was finished, I was so exhausted. It was the first time in years I had seen myself with so much hair. Everything I was insecure about had suddenly been turned inside out. I didn’t wear my shame on the outside anymore; instead my eyes had been open to the war that had been going on inside me.
I woke up the next day, and freaked out. I couldn’t pull my hair out anymore, I couldn’t look in a mirror and convince myself I was ugly, I couldn’t do anything but realize how much I had hated myself. I couldn’t remember what it was like to look like I fit in. There was always something that was a little different about me when it came to hair. People always asked me if I had cancer, when I explained Trich to them, they looked at me like I was an alien with some contagious disease. I was living convinced that I was a caterpillar. In my mind, everyone was better than me for some reason. Sure Jesus loved me, and I always knew that was accepted in His eyes. And there were times where I knew I was His butterfly, but only ever on the inside. For four years I spent my time building up everything I was on the inside, hoping that someday that would be me on the outside too. Know in my head that I’m accepted by God, and try day by day to accept the outside image. I learned to accept and believe that I would only ever be a butterfly on the inside.
After a great mix of hair dye, a couple inches of hair cut off, and another four hours of re-braiding and sewing, I looked in the mirror and the true and complete me. In my head, I still struggle with OCD, Trich, self-image, and everything that comes with that. I wouldn’t take away those struggles. Without them I wouldn’t be dependent on God. God is my rock and my hope. When Everything else is falling apart around me, I call out to Him and he reminds me who I am. Having hair hasn’t changed who I am. I am a child of God Almighty. I am the bride of Jesus Christ. I know exactly who I am. I have always been, and will always be, a butterfly.